How to Change Your Thoughts: The Powerful Tool of Reframing

Cognitive reframing is a mental health strategy that helps you shift your perspective, allowing you to view challenges, setbacks, or negative situations in a more positive or constructive light. It doesn’t deny the difficulty of a situation—it empowers you to interpret it in a way that’s actionable and encouraging.

Why Does Cognitive Reframing Matter?

Reduces Emotional Stress

By changing how you view a situation, you can reduce feelings of overwhelm and helplessness. Cognitive reframing helps manage stress effectively, allowing you to cope better with daily challenges.

Encourages Growth

Instead of seeing obstacles as barriers, reframing allows you to view them as opportunities for personal growth and development. This shift in mindset opens up possibilities for improvement.

Strengthens Resilience

Reframing helps build emotional resilience, enabling you to bounce back from setbacks by focusing on what you can control. This makes it easier to overcome adversity with a healthier mindset.

*Research supports the idea that cognitive reframing can reduce stress by altering the way people perceive and react to stressors. Instead of viewing a stressful situation as a threat, reframing helps individuals see it as a challenge or opportunity for growth.

Examples of Cognitive Reframing

Motherhood

• Negative Thought: “I yelled at my kids today—I’m a terrible mom.”

• Reframe: “I had a tough moment, but it doesn’t define me. I can use this as a chance to show my kids how to apologize and grow.”

People-Pleasing

• Negative Thought: “If I say no, they’ll be disappointed in me.”

• Reframe: “By saying no, I’m respecting my own boundaries, which strengthens my relationships in the long term.”

Unhealthy Relationships

• Negative Thought: “I’ll never be happy if my partner doesn’t change.”

• Reframe: “My happiness doesn’t have to depend on someone else. I can focus on what fulfills me now.”

These examples highlight how reframing can be a powerful tool in overcoming negative thinking, reducing stress, and fostering emotional well-being.

How to Practice Cognitive Reframing

Identify the Thought

Start by writing down the negative or unhelpful thought that’s troubling you.

Challenge It

Ask yourself, “Is this thought based on facts or assumptions? Am I exaggerating the situation?”

Reframe It

Replace the negative thought with a more balanced, positive, or neutral perspective. Focus on what you can control or how the situation could help you grow.

Encouragement for Reframing!

Cognitive reframing is a valuable mental health strategy that assists you in shifting your perspective, enabling you to view challenges, setbacks, or negative situations in a more positive or constructive light. This approach does not deny the inherent difficulty of a situation; rather, it empowers you to interpret it in a way that is both actionable and encouraging. By employing cognitive reframing, you can transform your thought processes, leading to enhanced emotional resilience and a greater capacity to cope with life’s adversities. By incorporating cognitive reframing techniques, you can effectively manage stress, reduce anxiety, and enhance your mental well-being. This method is particularly useful in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), which, in Anxiety Therapy, is designed to help individuals overcome negative thought patterns that lead to emotional distress.

My Story As An Adult Child of Immigrant Families

I remember it so clearly—Kindergarten "Show and Tell." That morning, as we rushed to leave the house, I repeatedly asked my mom what I could take to school to share with my class. When I finally got her attention, I pleaded for the sentimental stuffed animal that played music, but my mother without any hesitation refused. My parents had no idea what “Show and Tell” was at the time, they were immigrants themselves, and had more important things to do than pick out stuffed animals for an assignment they didn’t understand. Instead, my mom quickly placed in my hand a tiny tea light candle, a dollar tree find that was likely laying around, close enough to grab and run out the door with. “Take this”, she confidently said. This tiny, tea light candle had no scent, held no meaning to me or my family, and there was no way I wasn’t going to be the laughingstock of my class that day.

When I got to school and it was time for "Show and Tell," I desperately wanted to hide my face — my heart raced, and the palms of my hands were incredibly sweaty, there was panic, an internal cry for help coupled with a physiological response. My teacher continued to randomly call out names as I stared down at my desk the entire time. The “Show and Tell” items of my classmates were all appropriate, which of course any time you compare yourself it makes everything worse, especially when it comes to anxiety. What in the world was I supposed to say about this tiny candle? It felt like an eternity as I waited anxiously for my name to be called, but luckily I never heard it, and I never had to experience "Show and Tell" again. A huge weight was lifted off my chest — I no longer felt my heart race, my sweaty palms were no longer an issue, and my racing thoughts of being ridiculed finally stopped. Little did I know that the anxiety and physical symptoms that I experienced that day would follow me for years to come. It’s like that aggressive sales person that won’t stop asking you if you’re finding everything ok. Only with anxiety, it never seems to stop.

As I previously shared, I have immigrant parents, both of which were born in Egypt and later gained U.S. citizenship. They traveled separately to the states for different reasons — my dad for a better life and my mom to temporarily visit her younger sister who lived in New Jersey. My parents met through friends and family before moving to Pennsylvania where they married and had me and my two siblings. Like many immigrant families, my parents worked hard to provide for us financially. I have memories of my mother sewing clothes for herself, and how we would frequent our local JoAnn Fabrics on Saturday mornings as a family. My brother, sister and I would run around the store, complain that we were bored, as my mom continued to respond in assurance that she was almost done. When it came to purchasing clothes, my parents seemed to buy everything two sizes too big so we wouldn’t outgrow them too soon. Although this helped cut down on cost, it did not help my confidence. Any family outing or dinner was brought to you by coupons, as were the groceries. All of which I have come to respect over time and even more so now as a working mother of two with my own family and financial responsibilities.

Middle School photo

As the first born of immigrant parents, I was naturally the guinea pig paving the way for my younger siblings. In grade school, is where I began to feel isolated from my peers. For starters, I was ethnically different at a school that lacked diversity, I wore glasses, dressed very differently than my classmates, and had “authentic” packed school lunches which repelled kids from wanting to sit next to me. And don’t get me started on my hair journey or my struggle with acne —”fun times!”. To top all else, I was quiet. I didn’t think I was different until I was treated differently. I often was asked the question of whether I was "white" or "black" as if there were no other options. I didn’t fit any box, and for a young person, inclusion is everything.

I continued to spend most of my younger years being made fun of and isolated for looking different. I hated getting in school lines-ups because I would often hear the whispers and giggles that accompanied jokes about me. And so for awhile, up until college, I hated getting in lines anywhere. My attempts to join in with the other girls were usually rejected. Eventually I stopped trying to fit in and accepted I was different. Sadly, I developed a fear of speaking up, raising my hand, and ultimately putting myself out there. I feared rejection. My thoughts about myself back then fell along the lines of, “I’m not enough”, “I don’t fit in”, and “No one wants to be my friend”. These thoughts later became my belief system; what you think about yourself has a huge impact on who you become.

From middle school to high school, I remained quiet, and naturally reserved. I continued to feel like an ugly duckling that no one wanted to be around. As I slowly took control over my appearance, I started to become more accepted by my peers. I appeared more Americanized and my parents were beginning to afford more as they never stopped working hard to build a better life for us. We eventually started to understand and include American customs collectively as a family. I eventually got contacts, I gained control over my hair, I got a job to buy the clothes I wanted, I began buying my lunch, etc. But nothing really changed internally. I still lacked confidence in myself. When I did make “friends”, my attempts at keeping those friendships were run by fear of losing them, and so I became a people pleaser, and would over explain myself at nauseam to remain included. I hated conflict and needed reassurance everything was okay anytime I felt someone was distant. I never wanted anyone to be mad at me because it would only confirm the already established narrative that I wasn’t enough, and that I was somehow defective.

In college, it’s no surprise that my social anxiety spilled over into an intense fear of public speaking. I avoided any and all classes that required me to speak in front of others, it didn’t matter the size. I dreaded the thought of all eyes on me. When it came time to look for jobs, I never applied to any opportunity that listed public speaking skills as “preferred” or “required”. My heart would race at the mere thought. The thoughts of having to speak in front of others sounded like, “What if I don’t sound smart?”, “What if I jumble my words?” “What if they laugh at me?”, etc…

Since then I have worked a lot on my social anxiety, but I still have a lot to improve upon. For example, now that I’m a mother myself, I still get a pit in my stomach every time I see school supplies or wake up on the first day of school — the weather feels cooler, there’s usually a morning breeze and the trees even smell different — no exaggeration. It almost feels like it’s MY first day of school all over. I have good days, but I still have really bad days where a rush of insecure thoughts flood my mind. I still fear rejection, and despite considering myself extremely caring, I don’t necessarily give off warm and friendly vibes to new faces, especially when in groups. A byproduct of childhood rejection from an already set group of friends. I know now through a lot of self reflection that being standoffish is a defense mechanism, and a way I self-sabatoge myself. I’ve convinced myself this is the safest approach when it comes to people, and creates the least amount of risk. My subconscious mantra was, “I can’t be rejected if I don’t get close”.

Many of us that struggle with social anxiety get told that we appear standoffish at first, but the truth is we just need some time to assess the “risk” of a person naturally. In short, we want to know if we can be our authentic selves with little to no risk of rejection. In full transparency, this approach has us believe that we can control the probability of lessened hurt from others in the future, it saves us time, energy, and of course, the experience of rejection — the core problem. Disclaimer: this is not always the case for everyone, and will vary from person to person.

I didn't want to end without providing some suggestions/tips on overcoming social anxiety that continues to help me.There is so much I can share on this topic, but for now, here are my top 10:

1. Acknowledge social anxiety as a fear of rejection from others and know that its something thousands of people experience.

2. People pleasing is a way to manipulate people into liking you. With that said, boundaries are important. People pleasing and boundaries can not co-exist.

3. Do it afraid. Especially if it’s something you really want to do, or have an interest in doing. The more exposure, the more practice, the less afraid you’ll be.

4. Work on your confidence, create an action plan of things YOU want to accomplish, learn and take action towards your interests and create a healthy routine in order to be the best version of you.

5. It’s okay to show up as yourself. You do not need to meet people’s energy if that is not where you are. Authenticity is important even if its not always accepted.

6. Anxiety is a journey, don’t rush to get to the end. Life is ever changing and we are exposed to new challenges that may trigger your anxiety. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable.

7. Practice self compassion. Critical self-talk is the opposite of self compassion.

8. Be mindful of what you read, listen to, and surround yourself with. Are you the person you want to be right at this moment? Why or Why Not?

9. You can be the most attractive, smartest, kindest person in the world, and someone is still going to dislike you.

10. Rejection is a part of life. If it's meant to be a part of your life, it will be, but the key is to always try. That applies to both relationships and jobs.

Bonus: Hurt and pain is a natural part of life, wherever there is discomfort, there is growth. See if Anxiety Therapy is right for you.

Am I Too Attached in my Relationship?

Understanding attachment styles is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships. Anxiously attached individuals often experience distress and insecurity in their relationships, which can lead to various challenges. This blog aims to shed light on the symptoms of anxious attachment, provide real-life examples, and offer practical solutions to improve relationship dynamics.

Symptoms of Anxious Attachment:

1. Fear of Abandonment: Anxiously attached individuals often fear being abandoned or rejected by their partners. They may constantly seek reassurance or cling to their partner to alleviate these fears.

2. Overdependence: People with anxious attachment tend to rely heavily on their partners for emotional support, validation, and fulfillment. They may struggle to maintain independence and self-reliance.

3. Jealousy and Insecurity: Anxious attachment can manifest as jealousy and insecurity, even in the absence of concrete evidence. Individuals may feel threatened by perceived threats to the relationship and may engage in behaviors like snooping or constant questioning.

4. Overanalyzing and Overthinking: Anxious individuals often overanalyze interactions and read into perceived slights or changes in behavior. This can lead to unnecessary stress and conflict within the relationship.

5. Difficulty Trusting: Trust issues are common among anxiously attached individuals. They may have difficulty trusting their partner's intentions or staying confident in the stability of the relationship.

Examples:

1. Constant Need for Reassurance: Sarah constantly seeks reassurance from her partner, David, about his love and commitment. She feels anxious whenever he spends time with friends or has to work late, fearing that he might be losing interest in her.

2. Insecurity in Communication: John becomes anxious whenever his partner, Emily, doesn't respond to his messages promptly. He starts to worry that she might be upset with him or losing interest, leading him to send multiple messages in a short span, which overwhelms Emily.

3. Jealousy and Control: Mike feels threatened whenever his girlfriend, Lisa, talks to other men at social gatherings. He often displays jealous behavior, interrogating Lisa about her interactions and trying to control who she spends time with, causing tension in their relationship.

Ways to Relieve or Treat Anxious Attachment:

1. Self-Awareness and Education: Take the time to educate yourself about attachment theory and how it manifests in your own behavior. Reflect on your past relationships and experiences to identify patterns of anxious attachment. Understanding the root causes of your anxieties can help you address them more effectively.

2. Emotional Regulation Techniques: Learn and practice emotional regulation techniques to manage anxiety and distress. This may include deep breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation, mindfulness meditation, and visualization techniques. These practices can help you stay grounded and centered during moments of heightened emotion.

3. Challenge Negative Thoughts: Challenge and reframe negative thoughts and beliefs that contribute to anxious attachment. Question the validity of your fears and assumptions, and replace them with more balanced and realistic perspectives. Cognitive restructuring techniques, such as cognitive distancing and cognitive reframing, can be helpful in changing thought patterns.

4. Develop Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Identify healthy coping mechanisms that help you manage stress and anxiety in a constructive manner. This could involve engaging in physical exercise, pursuing hobbies and interests, spending time in nature, journaling, or talking to supportive friends and family members. Find activities that bring you joy and fulfillment outside of your relationship.

5. Practice Effective Communication Skills: Improve your communication skills to express your needs, feelings, and boundaries assertively and respectfully. Practice active listening and empathy to better understand your partner's perspective and create a supportive and validating environment. Avoid communication styles that escalate conflict, such as criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.

6. Set and Respect Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries within your relationship to protect your emotional well-being and promote healthy dynamics. Communicate your boundaries openly and assertively, and respect your partner's boundaries as well. Setting boundaries helps create a sense of safety and predictability, reducing anxiety and insecurity.

7. Build Self-Esteem and Self-Worth: Work on building your self-esteem and self-worth independently of your relationship. Practice self-care, self-compassion, and self-validation to cultivate a strong sense of self. Engage in activities that nurture your personal growth and fulfillment, and celebrate your achievements and strengths.

8. Seek Support from Supportive Relationships: Cultivate supportive relationships with friends, family members, or support groups who understand and validate your experiences. Surround yourself with people who offer empathy, encouragement, and non-judgmental support. Sharing your struggles with trusted individuals can help alleviate feelings of isolation and loneliness.

9. Be Patient and Persistent: Healing from anxious attachment takes time, patience, and persistence. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this journey of self-discovery and growth. Celebrate small victories and milestones along the way, and remember that progress is often gradual and nonlinear. Stay committed to your personal growth and well-being, and be open to seeking help when needed.

10. Therapy and Counseling: It should be no secret that seeking therapy from a licensed professional who specializes in attachment issues can be very beneficial. A therapist can provide a safe and supportive environment for exploring your attachment style, identifying triggers, and developing coping strategies. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), attachment-based therapy, and schema therapy are some effective approaches for treating anxious attachment.

Navigating anxious attachment in relationships can be challenging, but it's important to remember that progress may not happen overnight, and setbacks are a natural part of the journey. Be kind to yourself and celebrate the small victories along the way. Whether you're seeking Anxiety Therapy, practicing mindfulness, or building self-esteem, every step you take towards healing is a step towards a more fulfilling and secure connection with yourself and your partner.

For more information, check out our workbook, Overcoming Anxious Attachment in Romance.

Overcoming Anxiety

5 Tips to Help Anxiety Suffers Cope

You constantly feel anxious, have anxious thoughts, play the “what-if card” with life often, and can’t stay focused on today without worrying about something tied to some future event. If this sounds like you, you’re likely mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted. You may also be feeling depressed because of your anxiety. Additional symptoms could include trouble sleeping or sleeping too much, over eating or not eating enough, as well as feeling unmotivated or unable to concentrate on things you may have once enjoyed or completed with little to no difficulty. Anxiety coupled with depression can increase the likelihood of isolation from others, which therefore, can negatively reinforce your negative emotions, making it harder to break the cycle and form new, healthier habits.

Anxiety can be generalized, or it can be tied to a specific area of one’s life, such as work, finances, family, relationships, etc.

Anxiety can definitely be treated, but not without an extreme desire and willingness to change from the sufferer.

5 TIPS TO HELP YOU OVERCOME ANXIETY

1. Say No To Labels

   Don’t use anxiety as a label. Believe that anxiety is truly something that can be overcome, and repeat words of encouragement to yourself, such as, “I will beat this!”, “I will not let anxiety get in the way of me living a happier life!”, “I can do this!”. Have hope that things can and will change through your dedication. The worst thing you can do is use anxiety as an excuse. You have to fight through it in order for you to truly move past it.

2. Not Every Thought and Feeling is Rooted in Truth!

   Just because you thought it or felt it, doesn’t mean that thought and feeling should always be analyzed, dissected and believed. Thoughts and feelings can happen randomly at any time of day, but we have the power to let them pass. Remember that you are in the driver seat of your mind, you’re in control. Unfortunately, many of us have this notion in reverse.

3. Breathing/Mindfulness

   When you feel like you are in too deep with your racing thoughts, and you can’t seem to stop from experiencing the behavioral responses of anxiety, whether it be a racing heart, stomach pain, feeling weak, headaches, etc. You must remember to BREATHE. There are many apps to assist with this. Easiest thing to do is attempt the 4-7-8 technique; breathe in for 4 counts, hold for 7 counts, and then exhale for 8 counts, or as long as you can. Do this over and over until you’ve reached a sense of calm. Mindfulness is very popular psychological process that encompasses staying in the present. In session, we go over both types of coping mechanisms through the use of exercises in order to better assist with being in the moment.

4. Remember Self-Care

   • Eat a balanced diet

   • Stay active/exercise

   • Drink plenty of water

   • Be in nature when possible

   • Surround yourself with supportive and loving people

   • Do things that bring you joy or satisfaction

   • Believe in something greater than yourself

5. Don’t Give Up

   Creating new ways of thinking is EXTREMELY hard, but it can be done with Anxiety Therapy. Be patient with yourself, and with the process. Give yourself grace, be kind to yourself, and be proud of yourself for simply not accepting that anxiety is part of you, because it’s not! Be hopeful but be prepared to fight. You can do this!